Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.' — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a… — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.' — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a)… — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
