As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing… — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being… — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten… — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a… — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.' — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a)… — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
