Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Unemployment is down, confidence is up, DOW 5,000 above Bush - or as Republicans put it, let's talk about gay people and abortion! — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You can't say 'I don't do politics,' because silence is a political statement. — Tariq Ramadan Copy Share Image
REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side — Thomas Sowell Copy Share Image
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I bring quadruple diversity to the Senate: I'm a woman; I'll be the first Asian woman ever to be elected to the… — Mazie Hirono Copy Share Image
A businessman cannot force you to buy his product; if he makes a mistake, he suffers the consequences; if he fails, he… — Ayn Rand Copy Share Image
I want to start by saying something nice about President Bush. Of all the presidents we've had with the last name of… — John F. Kerry Copy Share Image
I've been a politician and so I'm sometimes cynical about what politicians won't do. When I hear a politician say something that… — Allan Boesak Copy Share Image
You could not possibly maintain the current level of government taxation without the taxes being hidden, and they are hidden in two… — Milton Friedman Copy Share Image
I can't believe I'm saying this, but Obama looks like he DOES need a teleprompter. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.' — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
I think the Republican party should be placed in drydock and have the barnacles scraped off its bottom. — Tallulah Bankhead Copy Share Image
Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution? Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
