Every night when everyone's asleep, I grab my phone and I start reading all our old conversations. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
A woman goes to a palm reader and hears that her husband will die a violent death. She asks, Will I be… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Every witticism is an inexact thought; that which is perfectly true is imperfectly witty. — Walter Savage Landor Copy Share Image
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Howard Marks is very intelligent and well read, eloquent, witty, charming. I think it was those qualities that got him through. I… — Rhys Ifans Copy Share Image
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
A sneeze is like a little orgasm. Sometimes it helps to close your eyes and think about your twitter crush. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
He'll never be better than he is on the first date. Unless he's rich and hasn't told you yet. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I have been lately introduced to the famous Thomas Paine, and like him very well. He is vain beyond all belief, but… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks. — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
The cocktail filled him with a whirling exhilaration behind which he was aware of devastating desires—to rush places in fast motors, to… — Sinclair Lewis Copy Share Image
Smile. Nod. Say something witty before he finds out what an incredible geek you are. — Ellen Hopkins Copy Share Image
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. — Oscar Wilde Copy Share Image
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A girl gives you breakfast in bed. The woman gives you breakfast and head. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
When you mess up a guy's hair, he thinks it's cute. But when you mess up a GIRL'S hair... I hope you… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
It is perfectly possible to live a very moral life without a belief in God, and I think it's perfectly possible to… — J. K. Rowling Copy Share Image
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin. — John von Neumann Copy Share Image
