I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
