You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
