I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
