New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The car bomb was fertilizer, gasoline, fireworks and propane tanks...still safer than a Toyota. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You're not a patriot unless even when you lose, it's still your country. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Also, in the category of 'obvious but still shocking,' an animal called a 'killer whale' killed someone who was trying to play… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Treason is when legislators vote against homeland security measures because it goes against the wishes of their political or financial backers. Treason… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I was brought up Catholic and we show my mom, my mother, my sister and then I take pains to explain on… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Let's be honest, half the marriages end in divorce. For me, it's never made much sense. I have a girlfriend and I'm… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Obama has had more fundraisers than the last six presidents combined. And he's still losing in the money race! — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Like it or not, we're still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
F. Scott Fitzgerald has an indespensible quote: 'The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The Senate decided they will be smoke-free. They ordained that all public areas in the Senate are now smoke-free. However, the senators… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: If you still think Obama is a Muslim, you just might be a redneck. A Christian church in South Carolina… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If you're living hand-to-mouth, and still buying into the con that the big threats to America are socialized medicine, Mexican immigrants and… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Reverend Ted Haggard's followers still think he's not gay. I'm not kidding. In their world, there are no gay people. There are… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
It's a little strange when you have never been to war, and you eye-roll about a guy who's got shrapnel still in… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If you came into the theater believing in the talking snake, it's kind of hard to leave the theater still believing in… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I think we need to change that old saying, "I don't need a building to fall on me." Because two did and… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don't… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The great thing about having been poor is how liberated it makes you if you eventually become rich. There's nothing like the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
One of the reasons I still do stand-up is because it was so hard in the beginning that I feel like it… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
