Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. The marathon was won in record time by a Democrat candidate running away from President… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters - all of whom are late night comedians. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton announced she's running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Lindsey Graham is now the seventh Republican running for president. If you're keeping score, that's basically one Republican candidate for every two… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Barry Bonds in the news. Yesterday Barry Bonds' agent said that Bonds could hit as many as 1,000 home runs. And the… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Critics say it's illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It's also illegal to run for… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
California's 74-year-old Senator Barbara Boxer announced she will not run for re-election in 2016. When I saw the headline '74-Year-Old Boxer,' I… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
CNN’s Rick Sanchez said the Jews run CNN. Ah, so that’s who we blame for Rick Sanchez. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A federal court has ruled that the U.S. Postal Service must reduce its stamp prices. The change in stamp prices is expected to affect… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it 'The Road To… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put lipstick on… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
LEGO has announced that they are shutting down their U.S. factory and moving it to Canada. LEGO employees say it's their fault because they… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets' doctor said,… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
President Obama gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts. — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
“Disappointment leads to clarity, which leads to conviction and true originality.” — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
