My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm afraid of a couple things. I'm afraid of getting caught up in other people's expectations, because I feel like that's an… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It's weird, I love acting and stand-up is a very unique, solitary thing where you are the writer, performer and director. But… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I kind of consider myself... I mean, I try to have my comedy be accessible, and if people are paying $30 to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I'm grateful when people are doing articles, but… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
When I started stand-up - and this is in the '90s - there was definitely people hadn't watched decades of Comedy Central,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Ireland is a place that's beautiful and interesting, but I remember when I went there as a teenager with my parents, I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think what Pope Francis is saying is that nobody's perfect, you know? And so someone like Joe Biden, you know, where… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
