How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States - the Kardashians. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying - because if you want her to speak, that will… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
