I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about. — Elayne Boosler Comedy Copy Share Image
You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies. — Elayne Boosler Dies Copy Share Image
You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport. — Elayne Boosler Deer Copy Share Image
I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club. — Elayne Boosler Club Copy Share Image
I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners. — Elayne Boosler Cleaners Copy Share Image
You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot. — Elayne Boosler Bald Copy Share Image
I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would… — Elayne Boosler Animal Copy Share Image
President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live. — Elayne Boosler Cute Copy Share Image
Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? — Elayne Boosler Aids Copy Share Image
Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper. — Elayne Boosler Animal Copy Share Image
The thing about breaking up when you get older, you just don't have the steam anymore. "Oh, that's it. I can't start… — Elayne Boosler Heartache Copy Share Image
There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn… — Elayne Boosler Born Copy Share Image
I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart… — Elayne Boosler Grandma Copy Share Image
Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas… — Elayne Boosler Abe Copy Share Image
I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the… — Elayne Boosler Amount Copy Share Image
I love my parents and they're wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When… — Elayne Boosler Apartment Copy Share Image
Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors?… — Elayne Boosler Actors Copy Share Image
While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their… — Elayne Boosler Comic Copy Share Image
Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin,… — Elayne Boosler Hotel Copy Share Image
People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more… — Elayne Boosler Baby Copy Share Image
My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of… — Elayne Boosler Amendment Copy Share Image
I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money;… — Elayne Boosler Choices Copy Share Image
Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this… — Elayne Boosler All kinds Copy Share Image
Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help. — Elayne Boosler Arguing Copy Share Image
Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things… — Elayne Boosler Bagels Copy Share Image
I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. — Elayne Boosler Men Copy Share Image
There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb. — Elayne Boosler Afraid Copy Share Image
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. — Elayne Boosler Men Copy Share Image
I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. — Elayne Boosler Comedy Copy Share Image
Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's… — Elayne Boosler Audience Copy Share Image
Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or… — Elayne Boosler Change Copy Share Image
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight,… — Elayne Boosler Enemy Copy Share Image
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure… — Elayne Boosler Door Copy Share Image
Every time we help an animal, we are healing ourselves, over and over. — Elayne Boosler Animal Copy Share Image
I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city. — Elayne Boosler Best way Copy Share Image
