I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many… — Elayne Boosler Audience Copy Share Image
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me. — Elayne Boosler Divorced Copy Share Image
Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have… — Elayne Boosler America Copy Share Image
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born. — Elayne Boosler Born Copy Share Image
I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then… — Elayne Boosler Ball game Copy Share Image
I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and… — Elayne Boosler America Copy Share Image
I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you… — Elayne Boosler Book Copy Share Image
President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an… — Elayne Boosler Ak 47 Copy Share Image
As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year. — Elayne Boosler Adult life Copy Share Image
Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers. — Elayne Boosler Affectionate Copy Share Image
Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of… — Elayne Boosler Animal Copy Share Image
My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down… — Elayne Boosler Food Copy Share Image
A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without… — Elayne Boosler Cat Copy Share Image
I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals. — Elayne Boosler Animal Copy Share Image
For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton. — Elayne Boosler Business Copy Share Image
I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession. — Elayne Boosler Choices Copy Share Image
Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower. — Elayne Boosler Dry Copy Share Image
People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do… — Elayne Boosler Algebra Copy Share Image
A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long… — Elayne Boosler Education Copy Share Image
For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of… — Elayne Boosler Comedy Copy Share Image
Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? — Elayne Boosler Eight Copy Share Image
We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face. — Elayne Boosler Animals Copy Share Image
I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem… — Elayne Boosler America Copy Share Image
My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant. — Elayne Boosler Family Copy Share Image
