Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things… — Elayne Boosler Bagels Copy Share Image
I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. — Elayne Boosler Commentary Copy Share Image
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure… — Elayne Boosler Funny Copy Share Image
The thing about breaking up when you get older, you just don't have the steam anymore. "Oh, that's it. I can't start… — Elayne Boosler Heartache Copy Share Image
I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club. — Elayne Boosler Clubs Copy Share Image
Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas… — Elayne Boosler Abe Copy Share Image
People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more… — Elayne Boosler Baby Copy Share Image
President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live. — Elayne Boosler Cute Copy Share Image
I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the… — Elayne Boosler Amount Copy Share Image
There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn… — Elayne Boosler Born Copy Share Image
Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this… — Elayne Boosler All kinds Copy Share Image
I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart… — Elayne Boosler Grandma Copy Share Image
My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy. — Elayne Boosler Breakup Copy Share Image
I love my parents and they're wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When… — Elayne Boosler Apartment Copy Share Image
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight,… — Elayne Boosler Enemy Copy Share Image
While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their… — Elayne Boosler Comic Copy Share Image
You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies. — Elayne Boosler Dies Copy Share Image
Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or… — Elayne Boosler Change Copy Share Image
I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the… — Elayne Boosler Ability Copy Share Image
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. — Elayne Boosler Men Copy Share Image
I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. — Elayne Boosler Men Copy Share Image
Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin,… — Elayne Boosler Hotel Copy Share Image
I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners. — Elayne Boosler Cleaners Copy Share Image
