If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch -… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
