Yogi Berra put it best, "If people don't want to come, we can't stop them." — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab. — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
It's always a job when you're the reason they're assembling. If you're just doing shows and you're on a lineup with eight… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
The allure becomes, "Can I make these rooms bigger?" Can I fill these 1,500-seat rooms? Then the allure is, how much, if… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
Long Island always seems to be the hardest place for some reason. There are always excuses. People will say, "Well, there's a… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
If you were an actor, anybody could go on Broadway and take a George Carlin hour and do it on stage as… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
I created a human being from paper and I put it on the screen, a unique individual. I wish every performance, every… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
You remember from watching the show, there are no "jokes." That's why if you see people on Twitter accusing me of being… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
If there are 1,500 people in a theater and they're all there to see you, there are no other guys. You're the… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
Most importantly, how impressive can I be to people that bought tickets, where they never feel, "It was pretty good." If anyone… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
If it's going to really make them happy for me to do it, I'll do Walken. I've got no problem with it… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses,… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
[Joan Rivers] is fantastic. AND SHE'S 80! There's no 80-year-old pitcher. If you're a running back and you're 28 they're like, "Oh,… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
There is a person that says they invented the podcast and they are suing Adam Carolla, because he is the top of… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
I don't know if you've ever been to England, but as soon as they find out you're from America, they hate you.… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
I think, here's what I've realized from interviewing people, and I've been very open about my Catholicism and my love of Christ and I… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
You remember from watching the show, there are no "jokes." That's why if you see people on Twitter accusing me of being a "joke… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
I'm telling you, I could teach at a university, [George] Carlin, a whole semester. The construction and deconstruction of the words, the language, the… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
My wife and I have long discussions about [George] Carlin, and we refuse to accept that he died an atheist. It's just, confounding. When… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
I remember I used to go to The Laugh Factory and just goof off onstage, and then I'd see Dane Cook. He did a… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants to get… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week... It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
First of all, my wife writes half my act. I don't know how I could "steal" from my wife. — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
If there are 1,500 people in a theater and they're all there to see you, there are no other guys. You're the guy. So… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
I'm a comic because I don't want to do the nine-to-five, I have to modify that and say I'm a comic because I have… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
![“[Joan Rivers] is fantastic. AND SHE'S 80! There's no 80-year-old pitcher. If you're a running back and you're 28 they're like, "Oh, here he goes, turning the corner on his career, he's on the downswing..."” quote by Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/bcb/jay-mohr-4777_careers_joan-rivers-is-fantastic-and-she-s-80-th_2624197.jpg)
![“I'm telling you, I could teach at a university, [George] Carlin, a whole semester. The construction and deconstruction of the words, the language, the order.” quote by Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/af2/jay-mohr-4777_construction_i-m-telling-you-i-could-teach-at-a-unive_29549.jpg)
![“My wife and I have long discussions about [George] Carlin, and we refuse to accept that he died an atheist. It's just, confounding. When I talked to Kelly [George Carlin's daughter] about it, she said that George Carlin once took her at about 12 years old and said, "I've figured it out." And he…” quote by Jay Mohr](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/888/jay-mohr-4777_accepting_my-wife-and-i-have-long-discussions-abou_105382.jpg)
