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Goggles Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

1 Goggles quote by Mitch Hedberg

All Goggles quotes Mitch Hedberg’s page

Goggles are the perfect absurd prop for a comedy routine, and Mitch Hedberg knows it. His off‑beat observations turn a simple piece of safety gear into a source of unexpected laughter, reminding us that even the most mundane objects can spark a smile when seen through a quirky lens.

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I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The…

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More by Mitch Hedberg

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I…

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There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with…

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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the…

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I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

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I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

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I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in…

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I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who…

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I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But…

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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

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What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...…

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I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

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I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

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I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when…

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I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This…

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Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

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