Vell," said Mr. Weller, "Now I s'pose he'll want to call some witnesses to speak to his character, or p'raps to prove… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there's hope… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
They didn't know why these things were funny. Sometimes you laugh because you've got no more room for crying. Sometimes you laugh… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
Seeing A Cockroach In Your Sandwich Is Not A Problem... But Seeing Only Half Part Of The Cockroach In Your Sandwich? That… — Pacifiersucker Copy Share Image
Creatives are feared and ridiculed... and at the same time highly valued for their ability to see things that others do not. — Janice Tanton Copy Share Image
You go through at least the first two years of Star Trek and you find some amazing stuff. Everything that was going… — Majel Barrett Copy Share Image
I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own,… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Do u ever go on youtube thinking youll be on to watch a music video then later u find urself watching a… — Idil Honey Copy Share Image
What's hilarious is people taking photos and they think you don't know. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen. Like taking a… — Will Poulter Copy Share Image
“As Confucius once said, "He who does nothing is the one who does nothing."' Gabby pondered the words, the furrowed her brow.… — Nicholas Sparks Copy Share Image
My parents' marriage is a gift to everyone around them - 60 years of making their kids laugh. How many parents are… — Louise Erdrich Copy Share Image
The hardest thing about losing your short term memory is… 'Happy Birthday' Yes it's someone's Happy Birthday isn't o_O — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“If you're signing up all the pretty girls in Alden, I want to join too," Max told Christy. "We aren't taking men,"… — Elle Aycart Copy Share Image
Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs… — Tina Fey Copy Share Image
It's funny, I used to say on 'That 70's Show', you could really put us in any decade, and it was about… — Laura Prepon Copy Share Image
In every show that you see, there's some stuff that's funny and some stuff that is not, or there might be stuff… — Mandira Bedi Copy Share Image
Surely if we have learned anything from the history of morals it is that the thing to do with a moral quandary… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Life is an awful, ugly place when you think you are still in the game but yet you are kicked out without… — Emmanuel Oppong Agyemang Copy Share Image
“There is something stunningly narrow about how the Anthropic Principle is phrased. Yes, only certain laws and constants of nature are consistent… — Carl Sagan Copy Share Image
You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
“Clearly in textbook terms, the gentleman should text the lady first after intercourse, but perhaps the whole socio-etiquettical system breaks down when… — Helen Fielding Copy Share Image
I just need a day off, from reality, just a day without people, problems, and all the bullshit that runs through my… — Kevin McCarty Copy Share Image
My grandmothers are Irish-American and German-American; my grandfather is from the Caribbean. My father is African-American. My family looked funny. I just… — Sarah Jones Copy Share Image
“Kools never did get along with partners. He once stabbed a fella over whose turn it was to drive. Kools says I… — David Wong Copy Share Image
One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old,… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
“He grabs hold of my wrist. I am shocked by the sensation of his skin warm against mine. 'Take care,' he says,… — Holly Black Copy Share Image
“What’s going on?” Ingrid asked. “Listen, nothing bad today, please.” She pulled a chair out and sat down. Faye stared at her… — Taylor Keys Copy Share Image
But, sooner or later I'd love to do a comedy. I mean I think that, you know, people don't think that that's… — Matthew Fox Copy Share Image
If you're told you only have six months to live, immediately get married. It will make those six months seem like eternity. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Years of education , solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and… — Samuel Johnson Copy Share Image
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam… — Adam Ferrara Copy Share Image
Most people are used to the T.V. comedy method of one joke every 18 seconds. And that's why it's not funny... There's… — Ron Shock Copy Share Image
Theres two kinds of women: The kind that get married and have a bunch of kids, and The kind that stay single… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I love readings and my readers, but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright, and the din of… — Anne Lamott Copy Share Image
It wasn't until I hit 20 that I became an obsessive reader, I think, which feels a little funny considering I was… — Adam Silvera Copy Share Image
In a funny way, nothing makes you feel more like a native of your own country than to live where nearly everyone… — Bill Bryson Copy Share Image
