If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind, Id be… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“In lieu of Tasers, you'll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick… — Adam Rex Copy Share Image
I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
When 'Indian Idol 2' started, I believed we would have a female idol this time. Unfortunately, that didn't happen and it is… — Anu Malik Copy Share Image
Focus on the positive things in your life and you'll be shocked at how many more positive things start happening — Sophia Amoruso Copy Share Image
Thinks its funny how the family'' that is never there are the first to tell you what needs changed in your life! — Nishan Panwar Copy Share Image
Sardar Dukhi Tha Kisi Ne Pucha: Kyu Tension Me Ho? Sardar: Yaar Ek Dost Ko plastic Surgery K Liye 2 Lakh Diye,… — Sadie Copy Share Image
If you don't have a moral question governing your society, then you don't have a society that is going to survive. — Oren Lyons Copy Share Image
“Sadness is like growing of hairs around our ass; we may not like it or want it, but it is surprisingly always… — M.F. Moonzajer Copy Share Image
If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
It's funny how you get a bit older and become more accepting of things. When you're in your twenties, you're skeptical of… — Jamie Dornan Copy Share Image
Old white guys can be a funny bunch, can't they? The same anti-same-sex marriage, anti-affirmative action cadre can flower into the biggest… — John Ridley Copy Share Image
Daughter asks her Mum: Mum, how many kinds of penises are there? Mother smiles and answers: Well dear, a man goes through… — Sharlene05 Copy Share Image
“You have terminated me,” one of them said in a strange, flat voice. “But I am one of many.” “Robots!” Iggy breathed,… — James Patterson Copy Share Image
If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you? . . . If my friends jumped off a cliff, it would be… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
If we know that we are now at the point where we have always wanted to be, we will be there. .… — Paul Twitchell Copy Share Image
“When you’re in love with two people, always choose the second. The fact that you are constantly thinking of the second person… — Shannon L. Alder Copy Share Image
I don't want to go and start trying to make jokes in places like India, Tanzania or Iraq. Afghanistan is not a… — Bill Bryson Copy Share Image
I BELIEVE THAT IF LIFE GIVES U LEMONS U SHOULD MAKE A LEMONADE...AND TRY TO FIND SOMEONE WHOSE LIFE HAS GIVEN THEM… — RON WHITE Copy Share Image
Dear Middle School Girl Who Thinks She's a Victoria's Secret Model, Mind if I Borrow a Tissue? Sincerely, It's Fallin Out Of… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
In order for comedy to be funny you have to play the truth of the moment. But if you're not being completely… — Stephen Root Copy Share Image
People: I love it when my boyfriend tells me how much he loves me. Me: I love it when my microwave tells… — Varsha Sharma Copy Share Image
An EX will text you I miss you I still care about you I still love you because the person they tried… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That moment when you hear your mom mention your name on the phone and all you think is what the hell is… — Itsme867 Copy Share Image
“Nora:"We could have a secret signal to fund each other in the forest! Ren, can you imatate a sloth?" Ren:"Nora?" Nora:"Yeah?" "I… — Rwby Copy Share Image
The love for justice that is in us is not only the best part of our being but it is also the… — Cesar Chavez Copy Share Image
I love hearing about bad behavior. It's just so funny to me. Especially, grown ups acting like weird, inconsolable babies over really… — Adam Scott Copy Share Image
“It’s possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when… — Martin Amis Copy Share Image
I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“Do you think they're going to buy that a guy in tacky leather chaps dances like this?" I scoffed when he twirled… — Becca Fitzpatrick Copy Share Image
Two mentally disturbed men decided they must go to school. They collected old books and went to sit under the tree pretending… — Newlove Copy Share Image
“I am who I say I am, I'm not some fantasy of how you think you think you know or who I… — James Howe Copy Share Image
When you are in touch with the Inner Being then irrespective of the outer state, you remain in a perpetual state of… — Sri Sri Ravi Shankar Copy Share Image
“A minute passes as we enter Little Tokyo. It's kind of similar to what you see in the movies, with a lot… — Vaughn R. Demont Copy Share Image
The currency of blogging is authenticity and trust... you pay folks to blog about a product and you compromise that. I would… — Jason Calacanis Copy Share Image
The central point of this final chapter is that - follow my logic carefully here - unless you die, you will continue… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
In our daily lives problems are bound to arise. The biggest problems in our lives are the ones that we inevitably have… — Dalai Lama Copy Share Image
I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
There are tons of actors and actresses I admire. But I really admire Jennifer Lawrence because she has won awards and made… — Isabela Moner Copy Share Image
It's funny I'm in some ways hopelessly masculine, but I don't fish, I don't hunt, I'm not that into sports. I can't… — Corey Stoll Copy Share Image
