I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
“Moreover, grandmothers of students who aren't doing so well in class are at even higher risk - students who are failing are… — Dan Ariely Copy Share Image
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient… — Bo Burnham Copy Share Image
Some People Honestly Need to Back OFF. Just Because You don't like me,doesn't mean you have to get mad at my boyfriendbecause… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
And identity is funny being yourself is funny as you are never yourself to yourself except as you remember yourself and then… — Gertrude Stein Copy Share Image
Everything that makes more of you than you have ever been, even in your best hours, is right. Every intensification is good. — Rainer Maria Rilke Copy Share Image
“Wait,” he said, pulling me to a stop when I tried to march off toward my destiny. “Is there something you want… — Jaye Wells Copy Share Image
Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
We stop talking about the Zux fan fiction cause its stupid and disgusting. let's actually post quotes. that's what this page is… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
'Mrs Funnybones' is based and structured around my columns, and it's about how a modern woman looks at India and how India… — Twinkle Khanna Copy Share Image
The proverbial Englishman, we know from old chronicler Froissart, takes his pleasures sadly, and the Englishwoman goes a step further and takes… — Jerome K. Jerome Copy Share Image
If you're going to take a jab at someone, you should at least have a bit more of a personal relationship with… — Harland Williams Copy Share Image
It's not that women aren't funny or that they're not interesting company , it's just that you can sometimes have too much… — Julia Hartley-Brewer Copy Share Image
“U.S. Presedent Barack Sadam Husene Obame sit in the darkened Oval Ofice at 2 a.m. wearing hes traditienel Kenyan roabe. He take… — Seinfeld 2000 Copy Share Image
The cannon thunders... limbs fly in all directions... one can hear the groans of victims and the howling of those performing the… — Charles Baudelaire Copy Share Image
I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
If the loser smiles after losing the game, the winner loses the thrill of his victory!! That's the power of Smile !! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I actually went to see 'Rushmore,' and I came late, and I missed myself. It was great, that scene. I caught that… — Brian Cox Copy Share Image
Wrong thoughts are inside us just because we identify ourselves with these thoughts. If we identify with something else, immediately they have… — Sri Chinmoy Copy Share Image
Dear mom & dad, if my friends really did jump off a cliff, it's because it was my idea. sincerely, your daughter… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
My Mother once told me, when I was very young. That if I wasn't careful, I'd whine up with a Son. Well… — DeAngelo Stokes Copy Share Image
I've dated some women who have turned me on to some funny things that are strange for men to actually do, but… — Ryan Seacrest Copy Share Image
“He's a little more...psychotic than usual," Tom said quietly. "How so?" "He took C-4 to bed with him." Prophet shrugged. "He's always… — S.E. Jakes Copy Share Image
So one day as a kid I was at the local Zoo. I was bored and kept pestering my Dad to go… — Robert Paul Copy Share Image
Halfway into a conversation with a person and all I can think about is,damn I wish I could rememer what their name… — Nikkileigh321 Copy Share Image
For your popular rumour, unlike the rolling stone of the proverb, is one which gathers a deal of moss in its wanderings… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
Studying expands knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, crime doesnt pay. Why study? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
(Fellaz)...haveàa female eva sit down N talk shit 2 u bout her ex boyfriend...lol...than u realize u just like dat niggaà — @only1catone Copy Share Image
Roger Ebert has had his right thumb trademarked. Now the police will actually have to pay him if he ever has to… — Andy Waits Copy Share Image
Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize… — Paul Harvey Copy Share Image
“No, little one, George's ghost won't come back. Human beings don't have souls. No soul, no ghost. Simple." "How can you say… — Leonie Swann Copy Share Image
If thou art called to pass through tribulations; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among… — Joseph Smith Copy Share Image
Dear Mother In Law don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
Sometimes you're not getting the laughs you want or at the place you want but that doesn't mean it's not funny. It… — Baron Vaughn Copy Share Image
I find that rock climbing is the finest, most healthiest sport in the whole world. It is much healthier than most; look… — John Salathe Copy Share Image
This could be so much more. So much more than a casual kiss, and a quick caress beneath the sheets. This really… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
