My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's… — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
“The most upsetting thing about Society’s attitude towards disabled people is that many millions of disabled people became disabled while trying to… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“what’s meant for you will reach you in time, and if you embrace it with your arms wide open it might just… — Jayde Scott Copy Share Image
I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A hot dog cut up with ketchup is, like, lunch for me, so I just think it's funny to Instagram it. I… — Lisa Hanawalt Copy Share Image
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out… — WCFields Copy Share Image
A man who has schemed for some time can no longer do without it; all other ways of living are to him… — Jean de la Bruyere Copy Share Image
Here was my first lesson on the resolutely maintained untidiness and ill-health of the English upper orders. In baggy evening dress and… — Clive James Copy Share Image
It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
“...Fran? Frances Hill, you stop that right now! What the devil's got into you? Ada, you should be ashamed! Braying like a… — Jennifer Donnelly Copy Share Image
“What would Golan Do? That way I can ask myself before I do anything. Before I take a dump. How would Dr.… — Ransom Riggs Copy Share Image
Dang it don't see how other girls wear their pants so freaking tight, that when they fart their shoes don't fly off. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism, often leaving important things unsaid; whereas Americans tend to think they're being subtle… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If someone from 'Arsenal Fan TV' says this guy needs to do this or that I'm not going to listen to him.… — Hector Bellerin Copy Share Image
The big turning point for me was a school debate in sixth year when, against all odds and to everybody's surprise, I… — Ardal O'Hanlon Copy Share Image
“Look at those legs,” Noah says. “Look at that bone structure. Look at those eyes, you could get fucking lost in them.”… — Emma Mills Copy Share Image
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The Doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
In my circle of friends, I've always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that… — Rosie Perez Copy Share Image
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I believe in choosing your words very carefully. It's funny: I'll get comments like, 'Oh I love you. You don't care; you… — Iliza Shlesinger Copy Share Image
I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Be WARNED... my TELL ALL Button is located right beside my GO AHEAD & PISS ME OFF BUTTON So if U &… — Iris Thomas Copy Share Image
“Atoms are round balls of wood invented by Dr. Dalton. (Answer given by a pupil to a question on atomic theory, as… — Henry Enfield Roscoe Copy Share Image
I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“I will receive it sir with all diligence of spirit. Put your bonnet to his right use, 'tis for the head. OSRIC… — William Shakespeare Copy Share Image
“Let come the forces of night! We will stand!" "We will get the hell out of here is what we will do,"… — Jim Butcher Copy Share Image
What's funny about the slacker thing, people project an image of what they think a musician is: young, slack, unemployed - like… — Courtney Barnett Copy Share Image
Knows that you cannot please everyone all at once, but finds it funny how easily you can piss everyone off all at… — Nishan Panwar Copy Share Image
Tony Blair is like an actor who doesn't really believe in his script himself but has the incredible skill to make everyone… — Tom Conti Copy Share Image
In Manhattan, marriage is a trend. Couples kiss over their arugula and radicchio salads. They fondle each other's genitals while devouring their… — Cynthia Heimel Copy Share Image
I went through a phase where I thought it was really funny to make pratfalls in very crowded places. I jumped out… — Paul Rudd Copy Share Image
The Christianity that saves is a thing personally grasped, personally experienced, personally felt and personally possessed. — J. C. Ryle Copy Share Image
What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit… — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
“Hackers are nerdy, pasty, tubby, little geeks with triple thick glasses and this is probably a demented otaku with smelly feet. So… — Keiko Nobumoto Copy Share Image
I saw Hulk Hogan the other day in a parking lot, and I couldn't tell from a distance if it was Hulk… — Kyle Cease Copy Share Image
Some things just couldn't be protected from the storm. Some things simply needed to be broken off...Once the old things were broken… — Harriet Morgan Copy Share Image
I love watching people be totally committed in a very real way to stupid situations. I find it's not so much trying… — Will Ferrell Copy Share Image
Growing up, I would use comedy as a kind of defence mechanism - you know, I'm going to call myself a nasty… — Asim Chaudhry Copy Share Image
It's funny that everyone talks about Women's Revolution and I'm the first one to be behind all of them and be with… — Maryse Mizanin Copy Share Image
