Funny Quotes · Page 682

Before you contradict an old man, my fair friend, you should endeavour to understand him.

— George Santayana

Its funny how red,white,and blue represent intil its flashing behind yoou

— Unknow

I knew everything a woman hated even before I remotely knew anything a woman liked.

— Nick Zano

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

— Nikhil Saluja

You can't get there alone. In fact, you can't get very far at all.

— Keith Ferrazzi

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

— Groucho Marx

Him: Ask me if I'm a tree. Me: Are you a tree? Him: Nope *walks away

— Just Thoughts

Diane Keaton is good for women in and of herself. She's smart and funny and real.

— Gloria Steinem

RAWR does NOT mean I love you in dinosaur. Did you ever see Jurassic Park? It means I'm gonna fuckin eat your…

— Brittany

I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to…

— Frankie Boyle

“Little Red, Little Red, what's in the chip bag, Little Red?" And in the same singsong voice I answered, "Nothing at all,…

— Neal Shusterman

I had a client who just wanted to entertain me the whole time, that is a defense against going deep, in my…

— Kelly Carlin-McCall

“How did you get into the castle, Alexandre, son of Gilles Smith?” Sand shrugged. “A saint kidnapped me from his shrine and…

— Merrie Haskell

I don't buy the thing that you can't do satire in the age of Trump. You just have to be funny and…

— Jesse Armstrong

I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out,…

— Larry David

No one has ever come back from the other world. I can't console you, but one thing I can tell you, as…

— Albert Schweitzer

“Some men’s chests are more buttlike than some women’s butts.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Never ever get into fights with ugly people. They have literally and figuratively nothing to lose!

— Anonymous

You will never make it. ‘It’ doesn’t exist for an artist.

— Joyce DiDonato

Happy Bastille Day to someone pretentious enough to know what the fuck that is.

— Anonymous

To learn that happiness is what brings success, and not the other

— Ami Vitale

My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.

— Norm Crosby

I hope they make a show like M*A*S*H, which dealt with a lot of difficult subject matter but was very funny.

— Joan Severance

If you are not astonished that you exist, your humanity is not complete.

— Deepak Chopra

Valentine's Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.

— Anonymous

I am available to more good than I have ever experienced, imagined, or realized before in my life.

— Michael Beckwith

The best way to look younger, hang out with older people

— Green Monk

Your 13 , you should be picking flower's not baby name's*

— Anonymous

The measure of my success is the measure of my happiness.

— William John Locke

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

— Sharon Stone

Vision without action is daydream. Action without vision is nightmare.

— Japanese Proverb

Without faith, without belief in something, what are we?

— Clive Owen

We're swallowed up only when we are willing for it to happen.

— Nathalie Sarraute

Fact: The more rhinestones a girl has on her clothes, the easier it is for a guy to take them off.

— Green Monk

Whoever makes great presents, expects great presents in return.

— Martial

There is something in every season, in every day, to celebrate with thanksgiving.

— Gloria Gaither

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

— Amy Schumer

I see that you retweeted my tweet...I accept your invitation for sex.

— Anonymous

I find, when you're an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you.

— Simon Sinek

It's a hard thing to describe. It's just this sense that you got something to say.

— Jonah Lehrer