Funny Quotes · Page 680

What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.

— Anonymous

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

— George Carlin

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

— Nikhil Saluja

That awkward moment when you tell a kid hi and they just stare at you

— Anonymous

There are those who spend their lives studying it and those who spend their lives doing it.

— Ernie Hudson

Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?

— Anonymous

Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.

— Booth Tarkington

I don't know if I was funny as a child, though I always thought my parents really enjoyed listening to me sing.

— Pippa Evans

It is funny now, but in the beginning of my career, some of the films failed at the box office, and filmmakers…

— Taapsee Pannu

The average American may not know who his grandfather was. But the American was, however, one degree better off than the average…

— Mark Twain

The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else…

— Jimmy Fallon

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come…

— Joan Rivers

“That much sexual tension makes me want to hump a phone pole, and that’s just not attractive in a pregnant woman.”

— Amy Lane

I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up…

— C. JoyBell C

I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I've always enjoyed it. There's just something…

— John Mulaney

The world's a better place, because of folk like you. Who take the time to do nice things, the way you always…

— Anonymous

“Let's see if your right foot is as fearless as your mouth.”

— Doug Solter

Use your blog to connect. Use it as you. Don’t ‘network’ or ‘promote.’ Just talk.

— Neil Gaiman

Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.

— Josh Billings

I did not slap you! I just high-fived you... in the face.

— Luciana Catalan

The Welfare of Each of Us Is Dependent Fundamentally Upon the Welfare of All of Us

— Theodore Roosevelt

Never lookin' back or too far in front of me; the present is a gift and I just wanna be.

— Common

Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.

— Craig Ferguson

Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so near to Monday?

— Anonymous

Comedy is a passion but I don't know if I a am funny enough to make a living out of.

— George Groves

The procreation of [the diseased, the feeble-minded and paupers] should be stopped.

— Margaret Sanger

“Being tall is a bug, it's funny that people tend to think it as a feature.”

— Chathura Sandeepa

“He's wearing flannel!" Alan yelped. "He's shoving his straight in my face!”

— K.D. Sarge

There shall be no more sin, neither shall there beany more death.

— Ellen G. White

Las Vegas is the only place I know where money really talks--it says, Goodbye.

— Frank Sinatra

I don't say things to be offensive; I say things because they're funny to me. It amuses me.

— Marilyn Manson

“The truth isn't laughable And the trust isn't funny at all.”

— David Levithan

Alright look, our policy is, if for any reason you're not completely satisfied, I hate you.

— Goodmanb

Success, it's like a fart. Only bothers people when it's not their own.

— Anonymous

I enjoy long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

— Rashida Rowe

The future is not out there in front of us, but inside us.

— Joanna Macy

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

— Rodney Dangerfield

It's funny how someone who won't speak to you in public wants to be your friend on Facebook.

— Pretty Ladii

If I could go into the woods and kill a bear myself, I'd wear it proudly as a trophy.

— Nigella Lawson

You like sleeping? Me too! We should do it together sometime.

— Anonymous