That hilarious moment when someone tips the waiter with THIS!! Thanks!!! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The typical old-fashioned diet (in the nineteenth century) was so bad it almost assembled modern dieting. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
“...our witness, one Edward Littleton, was as gay as Elton John's handbag.” — Ann Somerville Copy Share Image
I hate texting people who don't use smileys. I feel like I'm texting an emotionless robot. — Mike Copy Share Image
The blonde cowboy put glue on his six-shooters so he would always stick to his guns. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest. — Sam Levenson Copy Share Image
Looking at all the chances I was too afraid to take and the people I was too scared to admit my feelings… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Michael Jackson died at 58,Whitney Houston at 48,John F. Kennedy at 38,Amy Winehouse at 28. How old is Justin Bieber again? 18 Right? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
Height of Addiction: Just b4 a prisoner was ready to be hanged to death the officer asked him about his last wish..!!… — Sadie Copy Share Image
“Breaking into the house in the middle of the night just wasn't his style. He did his best work in plain view,… — Ilona Andrews Copy Share Image
I feel slighted for not being invited to your wedding that I would have totally ruined with drunken antics or not gone… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“That, and you have quite the temper." I play fully punched his arm. "Watch it, before you really feel my wrath.” — August Westman Copy Share Image
“But at the time I thought that if I could just get the world to see me the way I saw myself… — Gabourey Sidibe Copy Share Image
Studies clearly indicate that those who get 'Get Well' cards sooner and more often have a 80% faster recovery rate, so I… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I don't think Reagan is primarily funny, and I don't think he's primarily marvelous; he's complicated. — Eugene Jarecki Copy Share Image
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You call me 3 times, I ignore it.*Unknown call* Who the f*ck you trying to making fool — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I like to play music, and I like to be funny, so I just do both at the same time. — Christopher Guest Copy Share Image
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster! — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered. — James M. Barrie Copy Share Image
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
I'm like a fatter version of Amy Winehouse and a skinnier version of Lily Allen. — Katy Perry Copy Share Image
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Brad Paisley is very funny. Who else is funny? I think Reba McEntire is very funny. — Sara Evans Copy Share Image
I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I've been trying for almost eighteen seconds. — S. J. Perelman Copy Share Image
I truly believe your associate's degree will help you get a better shitty job. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sorry having lesbian moms means you have to buy two Mother's Day presents. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
They that crouch to those who are above them, always trample on those who are below them. — George Earle Buckle Copy Share Image
You live your comedic life close to the edge, you're gonna cross the line and offend people. — Charlie Day Copy Share Image
