I have always felt a gift diamond shines so much better than one you buy for yourself. — Mae West Copy Share Image
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Gilrs get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You are a New Yorker when what was there before is more real and solid than what is here now. — Colson Whitehead Copy Share Image
The internet service is merely a source of entertainment for those girls who use FB to find their BF. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago. — Robert A. Heinlein Copy Share Image
“Just look at the fellow, standing there like a bloody Greek god. Do you think she chose him because of his intellect?”… — Lisa Kleypas Copy Share Image
“Arabella- Why you felt it was imperative for me to leave my house in a traveling trunk is still beyond me. You… — Jen Turano Copy Share Image
You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard.… — David Cross Copy Share Image
Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy?… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Racing is a funny industry. One week you can be going terrible and the next week you're on top of the world.… — Michelle Payne Copy Share Image
Four miracles of womanhood: getting wet without taking a shower; bleeding without getting hurt; giving milk without eating grass; and making boneless… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Some blogs have become the best check on monopoly mainstream journalism, and they provide a surprisingly frequent source of initiative reporting. — Harold Evans Copy Share Image
I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Omaha is a game that was invented by a sadist and is played by masochists. — Shane Smith Copy Share Image
Never try to enter any stupid conversation because it will only lead you to some more stupid arguments. — Shubhanshu Tiwari Copy Share Image
That WTF moment when your toothpaste does a suicide dive off of your toothbrush — Itsme867 Copy Share Image
OMG YOUR UGLINESS... ITS TOO MUCH!!!! where's the bathroom??? I'm going to vomit!! — Madison Copy Share Image
You're not a failure if you don't make it. You're a success because you tried. — Susan Jeffers Copy Share Image
“The first rule of being a ninja is, 'Do no harm.' Unless you mean to do harm. Then do lots of harm.” — Splinter TMNT 2012 Copy Share Image
A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing. — Duane Dewel Copy Share Image
You can never guess what a kid's going to find funny - besides, you know, an obvious fart joke here and there. — Genndy Tartakovsky Copy Share Image
A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge — Robert Breault Copy Share Image
“Daryl Dixon: You got some balls for a Chinaman. Glenn: I'm Korean. Daryl Dixon: Whatever.” — The Walking Dead Copy Share Image
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I think if I'm with a friend group, I try to be as funny as possible, and I don't always succeed, obviously. — Finn Wolfhard Copy Share Image
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I have never thought of my life as divided between poetry and politics. — Pablo Neruda Copy Share Image
How can one bargain for anything that is worth while? And what else is worth bargaining for? — Charles Williams Copy Share Image
