We are ashamed of our thoughts and often see them brought forth by others. — Ralph Waldo Emerson Copy Share Image
The only reason women need men around the house is because we haven't made a vibrator that can kill spiders. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Yeah it's so funny calling someone out on twitter, but you don't realize how easy words can kill. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I think the kick to doing comedy is just to get in a film with really funny people and let them do… — Amy Adams Copy Share Image
I had this funny family. At one end, they were breeding dogs in south-east London - for greyhound racing - and at… — Michael Moorcock Copy Share Image
In the gay community there are not very many Jewish drag queens. I've always found that funny because there are a lot… — Jinkx Monsoon Copy Share Image
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“Step one: Invade your opponet's mind. This is just like using mind-speak. Try it on me." "That's easy," I said, casting my… — Becca Fitzpatrick Copy Share Image
You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Study hard; and you might grow up to be President. But let's face it: Even then, you'll never make as much money… — George H. W. Bush Copy Share Image
“Simon didn’t think Meg really wanted to know how to eviscerate a rabbit. He could be wrong about that, but he just… — Anne Bishop Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, The process that turns a female from an attraction into a distraction; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
We will slaughter them; Bush Junior, and his international gang of bastards! — Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Copy Share Image
This government is acknowledged by all, to be one of enumerated powers. — John Marshall Copy Share Image
I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration. — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
“I'm English. We're about as tactful as a hot poker up the bum, most of the time.” — L.H. Thomson Copy Share Image
Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit. — Alice Roosevelt Longworth Copy Share Image
We are more heavily invested in the theories of failure than we are in the theories of success. — Albert Bandura Copy Share Image
I write the songs first and in most cases teach myself the technique second. — Joe Satriani Copy Share Image
Whenever I see a Caution: slippery when wet sign I hide it somewhere, then I sit down & enjoy the show. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
If someone ever asks you to do something for them, do it really bad so you never have to do it again. — Paris Hilton Copy Share Image
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't think people think I'm funny, but in my head, I'm like, 'I am!' — Lana Condor Copy Share Image
“I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive.” — E.A. Bucchianeri Copy Share Image
You aren't just the age you are. You are all the ages you ever have been! — Kenneth Koch Copy Share Image
I'm convinced I will be cleared of all these charges that were unfairly leveled against me. — Joseph Estrada Copy Share Image
