“I can’t believe I’ve missed this sport. It’s all about fingering holes and caressing balls.” — K.A. Mitchell Copy Share Image
When a waitress brings the food, old men look at the food while young men look at the waitress. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
In times of weakness, choose to put yourself under God's control. — Stormie Omartian Copy Share Image
With no object no image and no focus, what are you looking at? You are looking at you looking. — James Turrell Copy Share Image
There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
For Grandparents Day, I'd like to take you to a nice restaurant that you can plunder for Sweet 'N Low packets. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's been very funny to try to act like an adult. Even getting dressed. Every day, I'm like, 'Should I wear a… — John Mulaney Copy Share Image
I am a very open person, and I'm always nervous of being misconstrued. Sitting in the middle of a restaurant makes me… — Rachel Hunter Copy Share Image
I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“And I’d be damned if I let the first photograph of me in ten years be taken on fucking Amtrak. I mean,… — Elizabeth Little Copy Share Image
My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I said to the wife, Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman… — Max Kauffmann Copy Share Image
OBAMA may be the king of the ballot box after his election win over Mitt Romney on the night. But here are… — Unkown Copy Share Image
Did you know it's impossible to say Good Eye Might without sounding Australian? — Jazzjefferies Copy Share Image
Analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog. Nobody laughs and the frog dies. — Barry Cryer Copy Share Image
Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl's drink, that would make her do my taxes. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
There's nothing like watching cat videos to help me pass the time until I can see my cat again. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If some beggar steals a bridle he'll be hung by a man who's stolen a horse. — Peire Cardenal Copy Share Image
I may be old enough to know better, but I am STILL young enough to DO IT — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
To me, the movie is more funny if, at the same time, you can think a little bit or dream a little… — Quentin Dupieux Copy Share Image
Retirement is great, you get to be your own boss and tell yourself to do nothing all day — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
The Cheyenne Indians: their history and lifeways : edited and illustrated — George Bird Grinnell Copy Share Image
I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved. — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
Women have the right to mount the scaffold; they should likewise have the right to mount the rostrum. — Olympe de Gouges Copy Share Image
“Beneath the people we think we are, there are funnier, happier, livelier people that we keep ignoring.” — Rebecca Murphy Copy Share Image
I have a lot of funny friends, and we joke a lot, but I've never really played comedic parts. — Joel Kinnaman Copy Share Image
What comes after the letter T? Normal people: U. Me: Wait.. A,B,C,D,E,F,G.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I am not the Bird of Love I once thought I was. But my silence suggests I may be the Pterodactyl of… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
