Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
LOVE, What we have in common with the residents of all third-world countries; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... Made myself a sandwich. — Persia Copy Share Image
If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Expect the worst And that's what You'll get Only it will be Much worse. — J. P. Donleavy Copy Share Image
Fear depends on time for it's strength! Confront that which you fear with speed. — Grant Cardone Copy Share Image
I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity. — Bo Burnham Copy Share Image
The Freemen have 987 levels of membership, the first three of which are achieved merely by filling out an application. The 8th… — Adam Rex Copy Share Image
Prior to the 'Chappelle's Show,' you know, no one would even listen to me, in the frame of, 'Oh, he is trying… — Charlie Murphy Copy Share Image
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?" — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm not studying everything that can go wrong. What I'm studying is how much love there can be, even when everything appears… — Andrew Solomon Copy Share Image
What is scary to me is silly to somebody else. CG isn't scary to me. It's like comedy - comedy and horror… — Guillermo del Toro Copy Share Image
I'm not scared of snakes, spiders, flying... nothing scares me apart from needles. I just hate them. Which is quite funny because… — Lucy Bronze Copy Share Image
I love being in a public space where teenagers are talking. And the funny thing is that it hasn't changed that much.… — Marti Noxon Copy Share Image
Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Richard Burton had a tremendous passion for the English language, especially the spoken and written word — Frank Bough Copy Share Image
Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap. — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? -Certainly. I'd know me anywhere. — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
“He laughed, a big, open-mouthed laugh that made her think of words beginning with the letter O.” — Kerrigan Bane Copy Share Image
My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
If you wisely invest in beauty, it will remain with you all the days of your life. — Frank Lloyd Wright Copy Share Image
If anyone is tweeting right now, I'm not pulling a knife on David Cronenberg! — Mark Kingwell Copy Share Image
80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didnt read. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
Here I am as a human being...how can I express myself, totally and completely? — Bruce Lee Copy Share Image
In good films, there is always a directness that entirely frees us from the itch to interpret. — Susan Sontag Copy Share Image
Inside me theres a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes — Bob Thaves Copy Share Image
I think the whole concept that women aren't funny is dead. It's over; it's done. — Kate Flannery Copy Share Image
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants? — Michael De Leon Copy Share Image
