Funny Quotes · Page 573

Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working.

— Anonymous

There's a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn't nice, but grumpy is funny.

— Rick Wakeman

Exercising Amendment (I) , If you have a problem I will demonstrate Amendment (II).

— Jenny The Jawbreaker

“What kinda vows?" Celibacy? I thought, though I didn't say it. Nobody keeps a celibacy vow anyway.”

— Cassandra Rose Clarke

My wife alwayz complains that I dont take her anywhere expensive so I tuk her 2 de gas station

— Meshack Kimaro

2 hour movie, 30 second sex scene. Guess which part your parents happen to walk in on?

— Anonymous

Weve all met people who are supposedly incredibly intelligent but dont know which way to sit on a lavatory.

— Stephen Fry

To a teenager there's nothing more embarrassing than a parent.

— Anonymous

I used to pray every night: 'Please let me look all right from the front.' I didn't care about real life, but…

— Sheila Hancock

I felt like there was something wrong with me in my twenties but, when I started doing stand up comedy, I learnt…

— Simon Amstell

I love to read books by women I look up to who are smart, funny, and interesting, like Tina Fey's 'Bossypants' and…

— Victoria Justice

Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!

— Bob Hope

I just want to put a banana on the floor run through the house and step on it just to see if…

— Anonymous

Dear People :) , Stop Editing Your Pics -_- What If U Go Missing ? How Can We Find U If U…

— Anonymous

Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level.

— Bob Hope

The three theater peeps I would love to dine with are Mel Brooks, because he is so funny; Stephen Sondheim, because he…

— Nancy Allen

Happy Veterans Day from someone who can barely handle the simulated warfare of video games.

— Anonymous

If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?

— Hillel the Elder

One place comprehended can make us understand other places better.

— Eudora Welty

Leadership is not about being in charge. Leadership is about taking care of those in your charge.

— Simon Sinek

As long as teachers give tests, there will always be prayer in schools.

— Anonymous

I Don't hate you, it's just that my attitude has some issues with your personality.

— Anonymous

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

— Will Rogers

If I wished to punish a province, I would have it governed by philosophers.

— Frederick The Great

Everything goes wrong for a government which is going wrong

— Richard Crossman

Sadly, I can't say the same for my Father, who is probably in a different place - Hell.

— Anonymous

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

— Henny Youngman

HUSBAND, What is left of a lover, after the nerve has been removed;

— Nikhil Saluja

The first time I walked by a crap table, I felt kind of funny.

— Carroll Shelby

Whoever one is, and wherever one is, one is always in the wrong if one is rude.

— Maurice Baring

“Folk wisdom: quaint sayings of urban sophisticates compiled from the suburbs.”

— Bauvard

We are called not to adjust ourselves to each other, but to adjust ourselves to God.

— Aiden Wilson Tozer

When you are getting kicked from the rear it means you are in front.

— Fulton J. Sheen

We can't teach what we don't know, and we can't lead where we can't go

— Malcolm X

What's nice with comedy is that you know it's working if it's funny.

— Ryan Gosling

There is no one and there will never be anyone like you.

— T. B. Joshua

Don't sacrifice the permanent on the altar of the immediate.

— Bob Jones, Sr

For some, transformation comes quickly, but for most of us, the changes are gradual.

— Florence Littauer

I came from a family that sometimes didn't have insurance.

— Mark T Bertolini

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

— Charles Wadsworth