Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst,… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
