“Grow a garden. When there’s a food shortage in the future, you’ll need it. And when people try to steal your food… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m too busy to chew. That’s why I blend all my meals into smoothies, and I make love as slowly as ice… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Wherever I go I carry around a clothes iron, a loaf of bread, and a block of cheddar, so no matter where… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Funerals, Coffins, and Death. It’s not just a way of life; it’s also for breakfast. Yes, that is the new cereal I’m… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When there’s no more food, only the anorexics will be amped up. And I’ll be there to drink up that excitement, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ice cream is like the sun, except instead of it being hot it’s cold. Also it’s edible and tasty and won’t make… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Try my all-you-can-eat vomit soup. Sadly, people don’t want seconds, because they don’t even want firsts. But it tastes great. I tasted… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Meatloaf is meatloaf is not a true statement. You can have gravy on top, ketchup on top, and don’t forget you can… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I write I am an avocado, and in a team sport setting, I am guacamole. And not to sour cream on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am three forks away from eating all your food with two homeless guys. It’s too bad I only have a suitcase… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Capitalist cycle of profit. The rancher sells a cow for profit. The butcher sells cuts for profit. The restaurant sells meals for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Of course, if I had misbehaved that day, my dinner was a salad made entirely out of iceberg lettuce, with water on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to scrape earwax out of your ears like the last of the chunky peanut butter in a jar. I’d love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I once went to a Russian restaurant called “Stalin’s Café.” All the items on the menu looked tempting, but after careful deliberation,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I eat spaghetti with my fingers, because it reminds me of me running my fingers through her wet red hair. Ah, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would give you my grandma’s slow-knitted Duck Soup dance-routine recipe, but my grandpa sold it to Roger Bannister for three minutes… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just like trying to ice skate on two sticks of butter in the desert, my love for her melted and was no… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want a piece of apple pie so large I could wedge a For Sale sign in it and make all the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like food that speaks to me. Food like French toast, English muffins, and Deviled eggs. Oh, oval embryonic spawn of chicken,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brown blanket could be used in place of chocolate frosting on a cake, and since nobody will want to eat it,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll never go hungry, because I’m a pet owner and a meat eater. I used to own broccoli, but taking it for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s amazing that a thin film of plastic wrap is enough to protect food against the aggression of hungry marauders. Or maybe… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bread can soak up soup, but can it soak up all my love for you? I doubt it. You’re better off cleaning… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Walk around with an open can of tuna in your pocket. You know, for a way to start conversations and offer strangers… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My favorite salad dressing is vodka. And my favorite ice cream flavor is coffee, though I prefer it melted and hot enough… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I took a candy bar, ripped off the wrapper, ate the candy bar, and pinned the wrapper to the wall, is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You can’t compare the taste of organic and non organic fruits and vegetables. Organic tastes like a ten-minute trumpet solo in your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The three of us met to discuss dinner over sandwiches, and I decided I liked them. The sandwiches, not the people. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Instead of hatching a plan, why not break it open prematurely and use it to make an omelet? It’s just food for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One scoop of ice cream can go a long way. Not to mending friendships, but it can get up to 40 yards… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like ice cream with my cake. But in moderation, and not like five gallons with a cupcake. For that much ice… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to get to-go boxes at restaurants where not only did I not eat in, but apparently their patrons didn’t either,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A writer must be a lifelong reader to be good. And if you want to be a great writer, I’d suggest trying… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Good thing my mother-in-law isn’t pizza shaped, because then I’d have to cut her up into eight slices and serve her to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need love. Here’s a list of other things I need: eggs, butter, flour, and sugar. I’m making a cake for the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
