“A chef should make a dish using only my words as ingredients. My words will taste great in your mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The French aren’t birthed; they’re hatched out of eggs. That’s why they make the best omelets.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like wearing gloves made of cheese (Swiss), and then going around asking elderly men if they want a knuckle sandwich.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the egg salad sandwich of love. The only problem is, I’m in the mood for a tuna fish sandwich—hold the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Pigs might make great pets, but they make better breakfast. I’ll take one big snuggle, with a side of scrambled eggs.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my love were a bagel, I’d put cream cheese on it. But it’s not a bagel, so I just put cheddar… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a fan of Meatloaf. He has a voice like it’s covered in thick gravy. There’s nothing better to make love to,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I talked to a calzone for fifteen minutes last night before I realized it was just an introverted pizza. I wish all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m opening a restaurant called “To Go.” You’d like to go to To Go, but would you believe it, we won’t have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I eat fog soup (out of a can). You don’t think I make it fresh, do you? You don’t need a spoon… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were at a buffet, but instead of eating food, we were forced to eat our… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My philosophy on life: On a burrito, the cheese goes underneath the sour cream. Otherwise, how will it melt?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Would you agree with the statement: Love is a hamburger? If yes, would you like to add cheese for only 99 cents?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Cloud “Combat” McCloud. Fear my thunder! Love my chicken tenders.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My mashed potatoes come with a masturbation sound you pour on top, like gravy. I got the recipe from Pee Wee Herman.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I feel like something warm. Apple pie, with two slices of bread and roast beef, covered in a winter coat.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll tell you love is like a pickle, and then I’ll reach my hand into the jar to grab the last one.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He wanted to pay me in agriculture, but I told him, "I need something that's going to put food on the table.” — Jarod KIntz Copy Share Image
“Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Tomorrow’s Pancake Friday, despite the fact that it’s Monday, and I don’t eat breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Personally, I’ve been here since 1982, and I’d say it’s about time for breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Uncle Sam’s not related to me. He’s stuck his dick in the American Pie too many times to be welcome at my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Would you rather have sight, or insight? I’d rather have a double cheeseburger.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll wait until your mouth is full of food before I ask you a question. That’s just the kind of gentleman I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Yes, fruits and vegetables are healthy. But you want to know why I eat them? Revenge.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Smaller plates discourage gluttony. But so does dining with dwarves.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could never be a chef, because I could ‘t bare the thought of my art always turning to shit.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your fate is like a new jar of peanut butter. It may be sealed, but you can choose whether it is smooth… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You can have your cake, but you can’t eat it. You have to sit there and watch me scarf it down.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you prefer your introductions with Alfredo or marinara sauce?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The Italians say “Chow.” To them it means “Bye,” but to me it means food. Of the greetings, goodbye is the desert.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I've eaten cat food before. Of course, the menu listed it as "Chicken Lo Mein.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
