“We’ve got a tortilla chip type of love. So am I to blame if I’m looking for a little salsa on the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just made ice cream. Accidentally. I made regular cream, and then winter kicked in.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because I’d order take out.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ate a half a cookie, but not because I wanted to. I ate it out of necessity.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your food’s not getting cold. I’m keeping it warm in my stomach. Dinner’s on me tonight.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Out of love I made you a cake. Also out of milk, eggs, flour, sugar, and vanilla.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think someone should invent an edible remote control, to go along with TV dinners.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve got a sizeable retirement nest egg. It’s an ostrich egg, and it’s going to make an omelet so big that it’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be placed on your child’s cafeteria lunch tray, in place of the less appetizing and more unnatural food they… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love pan pizza. I love pans. I love Peter Pan. I love Peter, but not as much as I love Paul.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We shouldn’t eat raw food. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be listening to the radio. Too much nudity soaking in through… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everything I learned in school, mixed together with water and chicken broth, isn’t worth the soup served at a soup kitchen. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Did you know you can drink food? It’s true! It’s called soup, and I eat it with a fork. I’m as efficient… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Seeing no better jobs on the horizon than flipping hamburgers with so much grease it would make Portugal, Italy, and Spain jealous,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The living have love for the dead, but the dead have no love for the living. I ought to know, because I’d… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To choose to chew, rather than converse with my fellow dinner guests, was the choice I made when I chose the chewiest… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like sauce in my cereal. But not just any sauce, it has to be a cream sauce, almost milky in consistency.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When the food runs out, the family reunion is over. It’s cool that out of all my relatives, I’m the only cannibal.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Up until I saw the hair in my food, it was delicious. You know, cannibalism isn’t so bad.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If your toaster isn’t working, stick your sword in the bread slot, and see if that doesn’t improve its behavior.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to open a wheat/dairy factory. Bread and butter will be my bread and butter.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t eat food with silverware—I use sponges. I always clean my plate.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s what’s inside that matters. I’m confused inside, because I just ate some sweet and sour.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If somebody offered me Cyanide, my only question would be, Is it organic? Because organic is always the healthier option.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How do two retards eat a turd sandwich? Well, not by first wiping their ass with wheat bread like I showed them.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m sexually attracted to statues made out of decomposing food. Is it normal to be hungry during intercourse?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I consume knowledge like food. I prefer learning about fruits and vegetables.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is a flower shaped like a snowflake. It won’t melt, so perhaps ice cream should be made out of it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a magician. I can make food appear—and out of my penis, no less.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some of the vitamins I take are the size of jumbo jets, though they only pack about half the power.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the food of love. And do you know what food that is? Distilled barley.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
