Last night, we did the Threatdown -- God, it's hard to even talk about this -- and for the first time, I… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Will Herman Cain become the first black President that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he's an unlikely candidate… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I spent my first two years at a small all-male college in Virginia called Hampden-Sydney. That was like going to college 120… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thankfully dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. So… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
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