I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I mean, I can't say that I've had many deep thoughts because I traveled alone, but it's good to be with myself… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
The real axis of social change is not horizontal, but vertical. We don’t need a whole bunch of people gathering to think… — Marianne Williamson Copy Share Image
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Pour some water into a tub and stir it up. Now try as hard as you can to calm the water with… — Koichi Tohei Copy Share Image
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you do The Work, you see who you are by seeing who you think other people are. Eventually you come to… — Byron Katie Copy Share Image
“I'm full of shit. I'm never myself. I've got a Southern accent around the oldsters; I'm a nerd for graphs and deep… — John Green Copy Share Image
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sydney had been horrified to discover my home library consisted of a bartending dictionary and an old copy of Esquire, and at… — Richelle Mead Copy Share Image
Real value isn’t in what you own, drive, wear or live. The greater value is found in love and life, health and… — T. D. Jakes Copy Share Image
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help:… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Single-minded devotion engenders deep thought, which expresses itself in action. The Lord's Light descends on the devotee, His power awakens in him… — Anandamayi Ma Copy Share Image
I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round, because then when you were eating… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I had always assumed that the right way to do it was to these engineers, put them in offices by themselves with… — Eric Schmidt Copy Share Image
The dream in your heart may be bigger than the environment in which you find yourself. Sometimes you have to get out… — Joel Osteen Copy Share Image
“One minute was enough, Tyler said, "A person had to work hard for it, but a minute of perfection was worth the… — Chuck Palahniuk Copy Share Image
There are two types of poor people, those who are poor together and those who are poor alone. The first are the… — Jean-Paul Sartre Copy Share Image
Skeptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which deep thoughts can be winnowed from deep nonsense. — Carl Sagan Copy Share Image
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I never knew an early-rising, hard-working, prudent man, careful of his earnings, and strictly honest who complained of bad luck. — Henry Ward Beecher Copy Share Image
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
You can listen to what people say, sure. But you will be far more effective if you listen to what people do. — Seth Godin Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
