This is why the terrorists hate us. And it's not the glitter and it's not the pomp and circumstance. We've got black and white, we've got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
“One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made that weird sigh when you sat down on it. I'm not a germaphobe or anything like that, but it is weird to think about all the ass time this seat had seen before we moved in. This is… — Adam Carolla Copy Share
I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life...so, something that is potentially four months down the road is… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work,… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings. — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
“But our leaders can’t tell the truth. We won’t let them. We’ve created a society where the politicians aren’t allowed to criticize the people.… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust. — Adam Carolla Copy Share
The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were. — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
