Jim Gaffigan

I just want to be known as funny.

— Jim Gaffigan

We tend to outdo ourselves.

— Jim Gaffigan

My comedy is romanticized laziness.

— Jim Gaffigan

I grew up in Sheepshead Bay.

— Jim Gaffigan

I grew up 45 minutes outside of Chicago.

— Jim Gaffigan

Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.

— Jim Gaffigan

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

— Jim Gaffigan

I don't want to get involved in the culture war. Religion's iffy.

— Jim Gaffigan

You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?

— Jim Gaffigan

Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.

— Jim Gaffigan

I realize I look very hip hop but I'm really more emo with a definite Brazilian flavor.

— Jim Gaffigan

The idea of having a large family, I definitely had a romantic notion of it.

— Jim Gaffigan

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

— Jim Gaffigan

If I was on an airplane, the people in coach would know who I am. But no one in first class would…

— Jim Gaffigan

“We take pictures of everyday life and act like we are capturing history. “Unbelievable! The cat is asleep.”

— Jim Gaffigan

You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!

— Jim Gaffigan

Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see…

— Jim Gaffigan

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.

— Jim Gaffigan

My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.

— Jim Gaffigan

The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven…

— Jim Gaffigan

I worked on 'USA Today' as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like…

— Jim Gaffigan

People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You…

— Jim Gaffigan

For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes…

— Jim Gaffigan

“I had put a shower curtain on the floor, covered the couches and our new flat-screen TV with garbage bags. The midwife…

— Jim Gaffigan

This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like,…

— Jim Gaffigan

Most of my material is , it doesn't necessarily involve a lot of editing. So even the show with the World Meeting…

— Jim Gaffigan

I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you…

— Jim Gaffigan

Screaming. Did I mention the screaming? Screaming is usually associated with horror films and roller coasters. This is why I usually look…

— Jim Gaffigan

I do Sierra Mist commercials not because they pay me a lot of money or because it only takes a couple of…

— Jim Gaffigan

New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the…

— Jim Gaffigan

“Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they’ve…

— Jim Gaffigan

I definitely write about things that are universal, that everyone can identify with. You're supposed to write about things you're passionate about…

— Jim Gaffigan

“By today’s standards, my dad wouldn’t be considered the greatest dad, and I’m sure his dad wouldn’t be considered the greatest dad…

— Jim Gaffigan

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house,…

— Jim Gaffigan

I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel…

— Jim Gaffigan

We all take Mother's Day seriously and then it's like a month later, a bunch of kids get together and say, "I…

— Jim Gaffigan

“Babies are the worst roommates. They’re unemployed. They don’t pay rent. They keep insane hours. Their hygiene is horrible. If you had…

— Jim Gaffigan

If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?

— Jim Gaffigan

I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

— Jim Gaffigan

Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.

— Jim Gaffigan