Jim Gaffigan

I don't want people to think I believe in God.

— Jim Gaffigan

Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.

— Jim Gaffigan

No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.

— Jim Gaffigan

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.

— Jim Gaffigan

There are people that are vegetarians that love bacon.

— Jim Gaffigan

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

— Jim Gaffigan

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

— Jim Gaffigan

I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.

— Jim Gaffigan

I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and…

— Jim Gaffigan

One thing I'm afraid of is not taking advantage of opportunities. I feel like these are kind of gifts.

— Jim Gaffigan

Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.

— Jim Gaffigan

I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing…

— Jim Gaffigan

“I’m getting fat … as I planned. Luckily, my gut is intentional. I’m actually preparing for a big role. Sure, it’s a cinnamon roll,…

— Jim Gaffigan

It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't…

— Jim Gaffigan

“They “cruise” or hold themselves up with furniture in search of the hardest and sharpest surface to bang their head on.”

— Jim Gaffigan

I'm not a foodie; I'm an eatie. I don't have anything against foodies. I just don't have the time or the interest…

— Jim Gaffigan

I told my son, who's 11, "Look, I don't care if you curse - it's other people that care." So we tried…

— Jim Gaffigan

I've had plenty of friends tell me that their first time doing stand-up, they do well, and then they tank for a…

— Jim Gaffigan

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think,…

— Jim Gaffigan

Some people that work for Hot Pockets came to my Denver Paramount Theater show. They brought these hot pocket boxes the size…

— Jim Gaffigan

I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get…

— Jim Gaffigan

I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they…

— Jim Gaffigan

They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always…

— Jim Gaffigan

“There are two philosophies when it comes to getting young children to sleep. There is 'sleep training,' which basically involves putting your…

— Jim Gaffigan

“After a couple of kids, there might be one good friend left. And that friend is never available because she has too…

— Jim Gaffigan

“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We…

— Jim Gaffigan

I kind of consider myself... I mean, I try to have my comedy be accessible, and if people are paying $30 to…

— Jim Gaffigan

I love the movie previews... you know... Why is it whenever you're watching a movie preview you always feel like you have…

— Jim Gaffigan

There was [ in New York] - some of it was this perception of the Midwest that I realized in this multicultural…

— Jim Gaffigan

I love the inpatience of New York... You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking…

— Jim Gaffigan

“No matter how hard you try to be a good parent, you always know deep down that you could do more. I…

— Jim Gaffigan

“Chicago deep dish takes forever to cook and costs as much as four New York–style pizzas. Chicago deep dish is a commitment.…

— Jim Gaffigan

I love writing stand-up so much and tinkering and looking for ideas.

— Jim Gaffigan

My faith kind of keeps me in touch with the idea that I'm not in control of things.

— Jim Gaffigan

I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.

— Jim Gaffigan

Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends.

— Jim Gaffigan

Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

— Jim Gaffigan

I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience.

— Jim Gaffigan

Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.

— Jim Gaffigan

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.

— Jim Gaffigan