That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches?… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use?… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
