Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People are dreaming if they think they have rights. They've never had rights. There's no such thing. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think everybody should be able to do anything they want and let roving bands of people punish each other for things… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches?… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I always knew I could hold people's attention and make them laugh every 30 or 40 seconds, and I got approval and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't care much about the outcome. I'd like for people to feel better and have better lives, but I don't think… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think you can talk about anything if the context is correctly arranged. If you set up the context and you bring… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion...… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
