My girl went away for the weekend, and I didn't masturbate once. I masturbated 21 times. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
My joke about Aaron Sorkin is that The West Wing was a great show about democracy, run by Kim Jong-Il! — Bradley Whitford Copy Share Image
“It was a family joke that Lydia's domestic tendencies were somehow misplaced when she was created.” — Lawana Blackwell Copy Share Image
“What joy a forest without birds can give? And what happiness a man without jokes can create?” — Mehmet Murat ildan Copy Share Image
I've never considered stand-up. Luckily I'm given great lines to say. I'm not sure how great my timing would be if I… — Emma Caulfield Copy Share Image
I hate Mother's Day. If anything, it's an affront to all women who think full-time moms have never worked a day in… — Kimberly Guilfoyle Copy Share Image
Laughter... is like a hurricane: once it reaches a certain point, it becomes self-feeding, self-supporting. You laugh not because the jokes are… — Stephen King Copy Share Image
I find that when I tell lawyer jokes to a mixed audience, the lawyers don't think they're funny and the non-lawyers don't… — John Roberts Copy Share Image
My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It's all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window. If it gets any worse I'll have… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Had a virtual friend once. But all he did was tweeting all day. Also, his name was Virtual Friend. Man, what was… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I believe reality is a marvelous joke staged for my edification and amusement and everybody is working very hard to make me… — Terence McKenna Copy Share Image
I would say that Futurama: Bender's Big Score requires a lot of concentration to watch. It's a very complicated time-travel story. Part… — David X. Cohen Copy Share Image
It is unpardonable conceit not to laugh at your own jokes. Joking is undignified; that is why it is so good for… — Gilbert K. Chesterton Copy Share Image
I have, like, two and a half years of failed jokes that I know I wouldn't repeat, but I certainly have no… — Taran Killam Copy Share Image
I remember after I dated this white man, nobody said anything but there was a couple of men in my family that… — Sanaa Lathan Copy Share Image
Bettman is an asshole. A frikkin asshole. I think he's ruined the game of hockey. He's supposed to be impartial. He's supposed… — Bob Probert Copy Share Image
Cheers was one of the first shows where I paid attention to the writers because their [work] was better than everything else… — Shawn Ryan Copy Share Image
I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that.… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I just tell jokes, and I think a lot of people take it too seriously. It's not that I don't have things… — Aaron McGruder Copy Share Image
![“Cheers was one of the first shows where I paid attention to the writers because their [work] was better than everything else I was watching. The writers weren't afraid to let a joke fall slightly flat if it advanced the characters.” quote by Shawn Ryan](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/716/shawn-ryan-19332_attention_cheers-was-one-of-the-first-shows-where_1924582.jpg)
