Jokes Quotes · Page 58

There is not a racist bone in my dad's body. He doesn't even laugh at distasteful jokes.

— Alan Wilson

I just tripped over my sister's bras. I guess it was a booby trap.

— Anonymous

It must be a cruel joke of nature that people who are so bad for us, make us feel so good.

— Harrison Daniel

“Nothing is a joke with me. It just all comes out like one.”

— Lorrie Moore

Fat Chicks always talking bout sitting on somebody's Face… Bitch that's Attempted Murder!

— Kevin McCarty

One should never use exclamation points in writing. It is like laughing at your own joke.

— Mark Twain

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

— Daniel Tosh

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

— Tommy Cooper

When I played Lady Day, I took Aba onstage with me as a joke. He started singing-in tune!-and the audience loved it.

— Eartha Kitt

I'm very wary of doing political stuff for a lot of reasons. One of the big ones is that the shelf-life for…

— Tim Heidecker

I don't have to write jokes. I don't have to write insults. If you ask the man of the hour in the…

— Rachael Ray

I think sketch writing is a good spot for everyone to start because it requires you to develop characters, have a beginning,…

— Blake Anderson

Think your little jokes'll help you on your deathbed?" she jeered. "Jokes? No,no, these are manners," replied Dumbledore.

— Anonymous

Counting down till Halloween so I can scare the little kids that knock at my door with my ultimate Saw mask for…

— Mariana

And keep a sense of humor. It doesn't mean you have to tell jokes. If you can't think of anything else, when…

— Art Linkletter

Everything starts with writing. And then to support your vision, your ideas, your philosophy, your jokes, whatever, you've gotta perform them and/or…

— Mel Brooks

I have become a giant fan of the testing process, especially with a comedy. I mean, they tell you what's funny. It's…

— Seth Rogen

Even during the promotion I told people that I didn't like Rush Hour. The jokes I didn't understand and the fighting, compared…

— Jackie Chan

The whole world has become a crowded theater. You could say something here in New York and have it be heard in…

— Suzanne Nossel

All jokes aside, it's a very difficult job playing the straight man. Jason is potentially the most brilliant straight man that ever…

— Will Arnett

Little girl asks her grandma: Grandma, can you show me a magic trick? Grandma answers: I can't dear, but I'm sure your…

— Sharlene05

He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard, then pulled his hand back with a snap. "Ah," he said. "Must deactivate…

— Rachel Caine

What is the universe? Is it a great 3D movie in which we are the unwilling actors? Is it a cosmic joke,…

— Heinz Pagels

I always have the same thing - which is the fear of not getting a laugh - that I've had from the…

— Matthew Perry

I never used to tell jokes on stage. Now I'm cutting up jokes all night long.

— Robin Thicke

If you put your finger in your ear, and scratch it, it sounds just like pac man :)

— Ricardo Alexandre

I mean, this is a joke, to try to implicate me as like a friend of the Russians.

— Jill Stein

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just afriad to move.

— Jokes About Chuck Norris

If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.

— Jimmy Nail

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

— George Eliot

Be not affronted at a joke. If one throw salt at thee, thou wilt receive no harm, unless thou art raw.

— Oliver Goldsmith

I am happy that people are spending time on creating jokes on me.

— Alok Nath

Donald Trump has shown that he will essentially attack individuals, make Second Amendment jokes.

— Reid Hoffman

I'm always ready for TV. I don't have to edit my jokes - when you work clean, you can work anywhere.

— Gabriel Iglesias

I never wrote a joke in my life. I just get on stage and let it flow.

— Eddie Griffin

What smells of wee and goes in and out:a old person doing the hockey cockey

— Paul Housbey

Why is ''W'' called a double-u if it's two Vs put together ?

— Anonymous

You do not respond to an attempt on your life with a slap on the hand. Or a joke.

— Cinda Williams Chima

I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.

— Nikhil Saluja

My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh.

— Carrot Top