Humorous Quotes · Page 58

“I mumble my vows, Shad mutters his, and I wonder what would happen if I lunged for the door like a wild…

— Janet Mullany

“The night before a deadline, I usually am in desperate need of a back rub. And new wrists. And candy. And little…

— Christy Hall

The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the…

— Erma Bombeck

The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service.

— Dave Barry

Unless you're writing for a humorous effect, elves or space aliens and all creatures who aren't human should at least be as…

— Will Shetterly

“Something can be humorous without being funny. The difference is when it’s humorous, a person says, “That’s funny,” and when it’s funny,…

— Jarod Kintz

“If he's after sledge I'd say he's a bottom, and a very sore one if he succeeds , cos your bro looks…

— Marita A. Hansen

The beaver, which has come to represent Canada as the eagle does the United States and the lion Britain, is a flat-tailed,…

— June Callwood

“Yes, I know this narrative is crowded with beautiful women - Mrs. Pearson, Mrs. Maycott, Mrs. Lavien, Mrs. Bingham. We might form…

— David Liss

“Kalina remained paralyzed in her seat. “Oh, crap. Aaron was a vampire.” She straightened up. Remain calm, Kalina. Breathe. “You're not going…

— Kailin Gow

“He shouted into the phone, “That is fuckin’ awesome. I mean fuckin’ awesome. I fuckin’ mean fucking awesome. You are one Big…

— Michael Lewis

“Mr. Wopsle's great-aunt kept an evening school in the village; that is to say, she was a ridiculous old woman of limited…

— Charles Dickens

Many years ago I remember a famous actress explaining to me with perfect seriousness that before making an entrance she always stood…

— Noel Coward

Many, many of you have written to me asking the following question: 'Dave, have their been any new advancements in the field…

— Dave Barry

One of the nice things about 'Redshirts' getting onto the actual best-seller list, and doing as well as it has been doing,…

— John Scalzi

“You may want to reconsider. Cheese sticks will take residency on your ass," I respond with a sarcastic smile, tilting my head…

— Ashley Wilcox

The twins no longer derive their sustenance from Nature's founts - in short," said Mr. Micawber, in one of his bursts of…

— Charles Dickens

As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel…

— Bob Hope

It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came…

— Bob Hope

Don't you drink? I notice you speak slightingly of the bottle. I have drunk since I was fifteen and few things have…

— Ernest Hemingway

“Hold up. How do you accidentally have sex with somebody?” Adina scoffed. “Is she all, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t see…

— Libba Bray

“Overflowing with the milk of human kindness, the family had invited everyone they could think of, including people they cordially disliked.”

— Gerald Durrell

People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.

— Albert Einstein

Ah, Miss, hope is an excellent thing for such as has the spirits to bear it!" said Mrs Wickam, shaking her head.…

— Charles Dickens

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can…

— Dave Barry

There's nothing on it worthwhile, and we're not going to watch it in this household, and I don't want it in your…

— Philo Farnsworth

Before Kady was born, I didn't think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are…

— Tim Allen

“Oh, it's called, em...' Kate thinks, 'I can't remember what it's called.' 'You're the same as me,' Dad says to her. 'You've…

— Cecelia Ahern

Take motherhood: nobody ever thought of putting it on a moral pedestal until some brash feminists pointed out, about a century ago,…

— Barbara Ehrenreich

“In her small voice, Persephone said, "I have nothing to add." After a moment of consideration, she added, however, "If you are…

— Maggie Stiefvater

Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a…

— Dick Gregory

“Nothing that happened in the past is anything we can change. And it shouldn’t interfere with the happiness of the present.”

— Linda Armstrong

“Does the world really need another long essay on environmental archaeology and freshwater mollusks? Well, it's going to get one, whether it…

— Elly Griffiths

“Years ago there was an old man I knew that told me he didn't trust me, because people with beards were hiding…

— Neil Leckman

Men always want to be a woman’s first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about…

— Oscar Wilde

“Most human beings would have never been pained by the death of a human being if they had never seen a human…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Experimental music scores are enigmatic, opaque, demanding, irritating, humorous, childlike; the best, like Cardew's Treatise, are also inspiring, giving rise, on occasion,…

— John Tilbury

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants

— Dave Beard

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just…

— Dave Barry

When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred…

— Mike Harding