Abused Quote by Lundy Bancroft
““Your abusive partner’s cycles of moving in and out of periods of cruelty can cause you to feel very close to him during those times when he is finally kind and loving. You can end up feeling that the nightmare of his abusiveness is an experience the two of you have shared and are escaping from together, a dangerous illusion that trauma can cause. I commonly hear an abused woman say about her partner, “He really knows me,” or “No one understands me the way he does.” This may be true, but the reason he seems to understand you well is that he has studied ways to manipulate your emotions and control your reactions. At times he may seem to grasp how badly he has hurt you, which can make you feel close to him, but it’s another illusion; if he could really be empathic about the pain he has caused, he would stop abusing you for good.””
About This Quote
Source Book: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, 2002
Abusive partners create a false intimacy by alternating cruelty with occasional kindness, leading victims to mistake manipulation for understanding and feel trapped in a shared nightmare.
In simple terms: Abusers mix kindness with cruelty, making victims feel falsely close.
Key Takeaway
Recognize the pattern, seek safety, and break the illusion.
Themes
abuse
manipulation
psychology
relationships
Mood
fearful
hopeful
determined
Type
advice
psychological
educational
When to use this quote
- counseling sessions
- support groups
- legal advice
- personal safety planning
Key Concepts
trauma bonding
emotional control
cognitive distortion
Questions to Reflect On
- How can you differentiate genuine care from manipulative kindness?
- What steps can protect you while you assess the relationship?
A Different Perspective
The victim may genuinely feel loved, complicating decisions to leave.
![“That worries me an awful lot. If people misunderstand our intentions [in Black Snake Moan], especially regarding my character, then they're essentially exploiting an already exploited and abused woman. So it's a huge concern for me.” quote by Christina Ricci](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/d30/christina-ricci-2657_abused_that-worries-me-an-awful-lot-if-people-m_568178.jpg)
