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Best Funny Sayings by Mark Twain
- Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
- Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
- Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
- Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
- Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
- A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
- Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
- Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
- Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- The lack of money is the root of all evil.
- The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
- When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
- We have the best government that money can buy.
- Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
- It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
- I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
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More Funny Quotes
- To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would be enough… — Hannah Arendt
- These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
- I'm literally open to any medium that will have me. — J. J. Abrams
- We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
- There is no great genius without a mixture of madness. — Aristotle
- I hope to make movies that are so small they don't need to make anything to be profitable. — J. J. Abrams
- I love recording music. — J. J. Abrams
- Hope is the dream of a waking man. — Aristotle
- Education is the best provision for old age. — Aristotle
- I've had the same friends since I was in kindergarten. — J. J. Abrams
- I also have this incredible love for women. — Kevyn Aucoin