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Christmas Quotes by Milton Berle
- At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.
- At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
- Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
- Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in…
- For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
- I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
- I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
- I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.
- I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
- I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
- I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
- I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
- I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
- I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
- I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
- I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a…
- I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do…
- In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
- It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
- My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
- My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
- My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.
- My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums.…
- My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
- My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.
More Ways to Read Christmas Quotes by Milton Berle
More Christmas Quotes
- In the United States Christmas has become the rape of an idea. — Richard Bach
- I'm sure most of us remember being a kid and you have all of this endless time where two weeks before Christmas… — Andrea Arnold
- For it is in giving that we receive. — Francis of Assisi
- Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by… — Dave Barry
- My family makes these vinegars - out of everything from grapes to peaches and cherries. We go through the whole process with… — Mario Batali
- The Christian faith can never be separated from the soil of sacred events, from the choice made by God, who wanted to… — Pope Benedict XVI
- Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. — Lewis Black
- I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's… — Lewis Black
- The real evidence for Jesus and Christianity is in how Jesus and the Christianity based on him manifest themselves in the lives… — Lionel Blue
- There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. — Erma Bombeck
- Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. — Victor Borge
- I didn't know the full dimensions of forever, but I knew it was longer than waiting for Christmas to come. — Richard Brautigan