All Laurie Notaro Quotes
- If you really believe in what you're doing, work hard, take nothing personally, and if something blocks your route, find another. Never give up. Another Never
- I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor. Crap
- Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them. Book
- I have more faith in my bra than I have in my accountant. Accountant
- Everyone knows there's only one thing less welcome on a stage than a mime, and that's a clown, because everyone knows that clowns eat people. Clown
- Bad boyfriends don't disguise themselves; their girlfriends do it for them. Bad
- Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a… All
- I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale… All
- My family were staunch believers in physical violence, not automatic violence, and we had a Safeway around the corner, so we never really needed to… Automatic
- You're fighting a battle of good and evil with your dog pimp! Your only weapon is the shimmy! There is power in the shimmy! Make… Battle
- I'm nicer on tax day than I am when I'm on deadline. Day
- I majored in journalism at Arizona State University, where I began writing the columns I write now, but I cannot, in good conscience, refer to… Arizona
- I've never really considered doing stand up, but I have done readings/spoken word things fairly often in which I'll just tell a bunch of stories… Big
- I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far. Away Fast