“I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Have I ever been in love? Have your ears ever itched from inside your urethra?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Experience is the best teacher I've ever had. I'm sorry, Mr. Sortz, but it's true.” — Jarod Kintz Best teacher Copy Share Image
“If my nipples were restart buttons, I’d let you play with my buttocks.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
The dollar isnt worth its weight in gold, and the pound isnt worth its weight in ounces. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The commodity I sell is nonsense. Condiments sold separately. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“My plan to live from 65 to forever is to simply keep showing up. I also don’t want to retire at the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my name were Theodore Tiffany, my goal in life would be to meet and marry a woman named Tiffany Theodore. I… — Jarod Kintz Goals Copy Share Image
“While all men want to be free, some want to be free to think what they want, and other men want to… — Jarod Kintz Free thought Copy Share Image
“I’m wise when it comes to your issues, and a fool when it comes to mine. Emotion is the blindfold we cannot… — Jarod Kintz Emotion Copy Share Image
“William Penn would be a great pen name. But for love letters to manicured lawns, trees, and benches, the best name would… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Black clothing makes me look skinnier. If I wear all black at night, and turn out the lights, I look so skinny… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a corn-dog popsicle, and I’m on the Most Wanted list. Unfortunately it’s by the government, specifically the FDA, and… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Instead of a motorcycle gang, I’m thinking of starting up a unicycle gang. We’ll be hell on wheel. (My first recruit will… — Jarod Kintz Motorcycle Copy Share Image
“To blame me in the past is a very future me thing to do. But what am I supposed to do, scapegoat… — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“I would have enjoyed “Naked Lunch” that day, but the cafeteria served us all clothing. I like my meals a little more… — Jarod Kintz Naked Lunch Copy Share Image
“The bus had one too many people on it (the driver), so all of them had to die. The only thing that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a magic genie, from a lamp, offered me three wishes, I'd use one to wish you a happy birthday. So 33… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“The only people who don’t need elevator pitches are elevator salesmen. I once tried to sell an elevator to a man who… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a tank, if you rearrange the letters and leave out the leb. But why would you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s supposed to be raining Thank Yous on Thursday, after an ingratitude draught. Also, you’d better enjoy my love while it’s fresh,… — Jarod Kintz Gratitude Copy Share Image
“We fell in love like the Fourth of July. But there was nothing red, white, and blue about it, because we fell… — Jarod Kintz July Copy Share Image
“I launder dirty money. You should see my washing machine. (It’s filthy!)” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“I built my marriage brick by brick. And I destroyed it blanket by blanket. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about vomiting is that right after you do, you can continue eating.” — Jarod Kintz Eating Copy Share Image
“I go to sleep in my business suit, because it makes my dreams of success seem more real.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I would consider myself a regular at my favorite bar, but there’s nothing normal about me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I dance for a living. At the early bird special you can find me—doing the worm.” — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“I told him he needed a faucet and a basin, and I let this information sink in.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d collaborate with my clones, because I’m a team player who wants all the credit.” — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“The dollar isn’t worth its weight in gold, and the pound isn’t worth its weight in ounces.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know it’s not your birthday, but would you like some birthday dick? It’s on sale today.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to build stronger relationships. But so could bribes.” — Jarod Kintz Bribes Copy Share Image
“If we make it out of this alive, I’ll kill you. So you have that to look forward to.” — Jarod Kintz Alive Copy Share Image
