“Show me how to lactate, and I’ll be the best mother a father could be.” — Jarod Kintz Best mother Copy Share Image
“I had an arranged marriage. If I didn’t, how would anybody know when and where to show up?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Getting struck by lightning is like winning the lottery, except of course, not as lucky.” — Jarod Kintz Lightning Copy Share Image
“I ran across an old friend of mine yesterday, and I didn’t even attempt to hit the brakes.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“I brush my teeth with a leg of fried chicken, and gravy is my toothpaste.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing.” — Jarod Kintz Depressing Copy Share Image
“An invisible wall of super condensed jelly would make a great shield to stop bullets and sarcasm.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I often wear camouflaged pants so when I walk I look like a floating torso. I love with the same air of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This morning I ate a hamburger for breakfast, and then wept like a baby into an open jar of mayonnaise. I guess… — Jarod Kintz Morning Copy Share Image
“I would hate to see seventeen people with monosyllabic names like Mike or Ann die, but if they did, and you wrote… — Jarod Kintz Haiku Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a blanket, if you’re a roach or politician. Warmth can be so crushing at times. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dark Jar Tin Zoo’s face is sallow, his cheeks sunk in, and he looks like Edvard Munch’s “The Scream,” only less colorful.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t collect awards, I collect empty trophy cases. Once my collection is large enough, I’m going to start collecting broken dreams.” — Jarod Kintz Broken dreams Copy Share Image
“If you’re tired of taking one step forward and two steps back, just turn around. That way you’ll be going forward in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My headboard has bars, like a jail cell. Sometimes I’ll be asleep and think I’m in prison, and I’ll hear my alarm… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to silence your internal critic. And if you don’t shut him up, I’ll do it for you.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a yes, and a blanket could be a no. Make your life so positive that you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Wooden scrabble letters offer a whole forest of literature, tiled down for easy shower installment. If you limit your use to only… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in conjunction with another brick to be the Democrat and Republican Presidential candidates. People will say, Vote… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could be the best lover you’ll ever have. Maybe not the best in bed, but I could be the best conversationalist.… — Jarod Kintz Sexuality Copy Share Image
“I like transparent boxes, so would-be thieves can see what’s inside. Deception by invisibility—the walls are invisible, and that makes the contents… — Jarod Kintz Invisibility Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to ascertain the truth. And then logically, a non-brick could be used to detect the lie. What… — Jarod Kintz Lies Copy Share Image
“Inappropriate interview question #7: Are you into retirement home butt sex?” — Jarod Kintz Interview Copy Share Image
“I've been able to sleep with my eyes open ever since I started watching baseball.” — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“Don’t kill your wife—kill your wife’s mother, and make it look like your wife did it.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need camouflage that works in such a way that when I wear it, you disappear.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m in the Just Under A Decade club. That’s how long it took me to get a four-year degree.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Snow on one side of the canvas, silence on the other. I’d call that a perfect painting.” — Jarod Kintz Painting Copy Share Image
“I added five shots to my coffee, because that’s all the bullets my magazine can hold.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I find wisdom in the waves. Goodbye is a hello to a life without you.” — Jarod Kintz Goodbye Copy Share Image
“I’m halfway to being a father. Not 4.5 months out of 9, but ½ of a mating ritual.” — Jarod Kintz Mating Copy Share Image
“I collect orgasms. Unfortunately, lately I’ve been selling more than I’ve been buying.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
