“I care for her about my mom like a Maggie (three Donalds per serving).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Me and my girlfriend aren’t a good fit. Her clothes are much too small for me.” — Jarod Kintz Clothes Copy Share Image
“I love teamwork. I love the idea of everyone rallying together to help me win.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Though my stomach is only the size of a pea, I could eat two politicians’ brains.” — Jarod Kintz Politicians Copy Share Image
“Are you cool enough to live on Me street? It’s a one-way street, you know.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You don’t need my approval to disagree. But I’m sure you agree—and I’m sure you agree.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I met two twins, each named Dakota. I nicknamed the older one North, and the younger one I called—you guessed it—Cock Tease.” — Jarod Kintz Twins Copy Share Image
“Faith: a device of the mind, fed by the soul, that functions like crutches to a man in a wheelchair.” — Jarod Kintz Faith Copy Share Image
“If love had two wings and rhymed with “mutter-lie,” could I be your caterpillar? All I’m asking for is a little time… — Jarod Kintz Butterfly Copy Share Image
“A car crash could be considered art, and I’d like to install one in a museum. Helmets would be sold at the… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I walk with a purpose. And a limp. (The limp helps serve my purpose, which is to gain sympathy.)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She said, “What?” so I replied, “What what?” She gave me a look that said, “What what what?” and I didn’t respond… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Growing up, Renaldo and his father had a great relationship. At least until his father went and slept with someone else.” — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“A brick could help get your unruly hair under control, by getting at the root of the problem—your skull. Increase force as… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Making money for my clones, now that’s what I call self-enrichment. Having all my clones working for me, working for free, and… — Jarod Kintz Identity Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to trap and contain love. I’ve tried other stuff, like a Ziploc bag, a can of tuna,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my doctor told me I only had five minutes to live, I’d probably change all the clocks in my house, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Why celebrate my birthday? My birthday is the product of two people’s—my parents’—hard work. I can’t celebrate what I didn’t earn. However,… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“She’s beautiful, but she’s also got brains. I’ll bet zombies would love to eat out of her skull like a bowl of… — Jarod Kintz Brains Copy Share Image
“You are getting a wooden leg for your birthday, and you are going to love it. Incidentally, this means removing your leg… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“It may seem like good is always reacting in response to evil, and evil always makes the first move, but if the… — Jarod Kintz Evil Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were fishing in the Utah desert. You caught a dinosaur, but due to Federal regulations,… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“It’s what you do in your free time that will set you free—or enslave you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Abstain from reading comedy or other government economic statistics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Anyone want some of my foot long sub? It’s huge! It’s nearly half as long as my penis.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Men are the fleas in the gray beard of God, and I’m just itching to meet Him.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a smothering agent, sort of like an employee of the NSA. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My advice to men is this: Don’t rape a Pringles can, because empty does not mean void of no.” — Jarod Kintz Advice Copy Share Image
“I don’t endorse my checks, because what, am I just going to give away free autographs?” — Jarod Kintz Autograph Copy Share Image
“Networking is like fishing. Just give some beer and a boat and I’ll be in business.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“If Warren Buffet made chocolate, I’ll bet it’d be really rich. And corrupt.” — Jarod Kintz Buffet Copy Share Image
“When I get to heaven, and I see a being of light, I’m going to ask him if he’s the urologist.” — Jarod Kintz Heaven Copy Share Image
“I used to live with someone of the opposite sex. It’s called a sister, and I don’t have one.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An umbrella is a portable shelter. My penis is a portable people maker. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
